Saturday, August 22, 2009

School has begun

So school started last week, towards the end of the week, Thursday to be exact.

I always wondered who decided that, just some random suggestion to bother all of the OCD's in the world like me. Who thought "let's start school on a Thursday this year instead of a Monday, that will show 'em."?? It was probably the same person who decided to have school start and end at weird times too, like "11:45am, no let's make it 11:48am...anyone? ah ah, that's what I'm talkin' about.." Who is this person and why is he messing with the time system that I grew up with?

What is wrong with starting school at an even time like let's say 8am or 9am and getting out at say 2:15 or 3pm? Where did this 1:08 or 12:48, or all of these weird off times that totally mess with my psyche come from?

Seriously, I know I got problems, but come on- this is sabatouge!

School started Thurs. and it went well for Hailey. Kyle doesn't officially start until...? Guess- if you said Thursday, you must be in on it too. It is in fact Thursday. Maybe they are easing the kids out of Summer, who knows. They sure fooled me.

I have mixed feelings about the kids going to school. Now that Kyle will be in school, it makes me realize how much more I feel like I need more kids. Normally, I would be thinking..."YES!" can't wait to get out a book, or take a nap, actually grocery shop without kids (is this even possible?) or take a shower or use the bathroom without the door just flinging open regardless if it was locked or not. Should I really be sad that I am going to be dealing with these positive problems?

No, if my heart didn't just ache for another little one in the house, I would be fine. But the fact is, it does, and I am scared to death that these days are growing shorter with my little ones. Soon they will be all grown up and I will wish that the door just opens up on me while I'm on the toilet or have just got out of the shower and the neighborhood kid just happens to be with my own child walking in on me. I don't know if this particular thing I will miss, but I will miss the fact that those awkward moments come when children are around and that is what makes life interesting and memorable.

I pray that I will have enough courage to take the next step and find and bring that child into our home that is meant to be with us. I feel it, something has been missing and aching in my heart for the entire Summer and I have been too scared to address it. If you have a chance to pray for me, please do. Please ask Heavenly Father to tell me to stop being afraid of being hurt or let myself be vulnerable, which I have a hard time doing. I am scared to step into something I know I will be shedding tears over. I hate crying, and more than that, I don't like letting people see me cry. Dan has seen enough of it that I don't mind if he see's anymore, but to have others...I just don't know if I have the strength and courage in me to have others be watching me, asking the painful questions that aren't intended to be hurtful, like..."How are the adoption plans going?" I am scared to death, so they are not going anywhere until I can get some courage and have some Faith, as George Michael puts it. I just gotta have faith.

p.s. my camera is still broken from the lemonade incident so I will be without pictures for a little bit until I can replace it. Unless, I can figure out how to get the pics from my phone onto here...anyone?


Jamie said...

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry you are feeling sad:( you are right though, you've just got to have faith. I realized that there is no such thing as "the perfect family" you know like having 2 boys and 2 girls all 2 years apart. You have 2 beautiful kids then a little gap and you still have time to have plenty more you know. You are only 29! The celebs don't start until they are 40 and they still pull it off! The time will come when u are no longer scared and everything will work out just as it's ment to:) Hang in there. You can come hold my little guy anytime you want. Love ya!

AJones said...

AMY- Ignore the unintentional hurtful comments, take time to build yourself up, crying is a beautiful thing! I'm a fan! (may start a facebook group on that) I will not tell you it will all work out but I will tell you that I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Know that somedays will SUCK, but you are strong and I am always a phone call away if you want to rant, rave, curse, or cry (and I'll never know what you look like while your doing it)

Angie said...

You are a wonderful mother and I think you do have a little one waiting for you. Be patient and cry to me! I love to cry just ask my family! love you! I will pray for you!